People say Skarnier (hinge) de Beer is so tall that he has to bend over double to insert himself into his vehicle. This lends a forlorn grace to his stride that is perfectly suited to his profession. He is the local undertaker.
His Ford hearse, built by some obscure coachbuilder in the 1970s, is usually very neatly turned out, but many of the out-of-sight components are in need of some care. One would think that a lot of slow driving guarantees a long component life, but Skarnier’s leisure activities have the opposite effect. He loves biggame hunting and the hearse makes a perfect long-wheelbase, multi-purpose vehicle. There is enough space to carry various kinds of dead bodies – at the same time, if that’s convenient.
On his last hunting trip, the main leaf of the semi-elliptic rear suspension broke but Skarnier managed to limp as far as our workshop. The next morning, Hennie asked Japie to put the car on stands and the two of them removed both leaf-spring assemblies prior to sending them to a workshop that specialises in making new leaf springs and tempering old ones.
I phoned Skarnier to discuss the repair, which is when the trouble started. He wanted only the broken blade replaced, but I explained that all the blades of the two spring assemblies should be re-tempered because they would have lost some of their springiness after carrying so many cadavers over so many years. Skarnier was adamant he was only paying for a broken blade replacement, but I warned him that the hearse would no longer travel on an even keel.
I was determined to prove my point, so I sent the broken spring assembly to the repair shop and asked them to make a new main blade and also temper the secondary blades in spite of Skarnier’s request to only repair the broken blade. I knew this would exaggerate the car’s angled stance, especially when the other spring assembly was left untempered.
When Skarnier turned up to fetch his vehicle, I gave him the bill for one new spring blade plus the labour of fitting it, and watched him drive away in a car that had a pronounced lean to one side.
A few days later, he shamefacedly appeared at my office, apologised for mistrusting my judgment and asked for the car to restored to normality. We removed the other spring assembly and had it re-tempered.
Skarnier said that the mourners didn’t like to walk behind such an angled contraption because they could see through the back window that the coffin was bumping against the one side of the hearse's interior. The more superstitious ones were afraid the noise might awaken the dead.