Have you seen the frozen chips TV ad (apparently sponsored by Senator McCain himself) where the woolly-haired woman from Benoni sees certain movie stars and other weird shapes in her freshly baked oven chips? “No, it’s not a forest, it’s a seagull,” she says. It’s hilarious and I can’t stop laughing each time I see it. But just the other day a similar thing happened to me. I was quietly browsing through my fruitloops one morning, when suddenly, out of nowhere, I saw the future of the automotive industry … and it was odd, very odd …The Geneva Motor Show of 2034 appeared from the strangely arranged pieces of cereal and it was a feast of glitz and glamour. Audi was there in full force and displayed its ever-expanding range in the shape of holograms. The first model that struck my eye was the Q1. This was a super-mini SUV based on the A1 platform, which looked the business, had all the bells and whistles, but the ground clearance was only a few millimetres more than the A1. The interior was top-notch, as usual, but was now designed by Gucci, which meant it looked like the inside of Donald Trump’s 5th Avenue penthouse. Audi also displayed its new mini-supermini, the A0, which was the size of the Kia Picanto, had virtually no boot space, but were sold for twice the price.
The other German manufacturers were not far behind. BMW was very proud of its new new 3-series, which was sharing its underpinnings with the new A4, and as grandpa Bangle was designing both, the only difference in design between the two was the badges. New features included no indicators (as a survey showed they’re not being used), and auto-flashing headlights, which are activated when another car is driving five meters ahead of the vehicle.
The GINA was still a concept, as the flexible body was ripped apart by the south-easter during testing in Cape Town. BMW was however very excited about its brand new ultra-niche model, the 9-series, which the marketing guru’s called a ‘Boupé’ (Bus and coupe, stupid!). This vehicle had a 6-litre quad-turbo engine, running on Bio-ethanol, and emitting spray-n-cook. It could easily fit seven people, and a bit of luggage (read ‘one make-up bag’) and featured a coupe-like hatch to give it the ‘asymmetrical-flowing’ look that confused you to death. From the back it looked like a whale, and from the front, a dead whale. Unfortunately they were again beaten in the race to be first in this ultra-niche by Ssanyong, who produced the similarly-shaped Stavron in 2031. The rich were waving their credit card implant-chipped arms around to place orders for this German beast.
Mercedes-Benz was still building the G-class, which now had slightly rounder headlamps, squarer edges, and had traction-control as an option. The AMG version of the C-Class, aptly named the C100, was driven by a massive 956 kw 10-litre engine, as the AMG guys still refused to use turbos and superchargers. In a strong, beer-filled German accent: “Vee will not tolerate any boosting of zee power. Vee grow power wiz cubic-inches!” The S-class was again the leader in technology, and came standard with Chauffeur Asimo 3000, developed by Honda. The one thing the Honda geniuses had trouble with, was the ability of Asimo-san to keep up with the ever-changing nature of South African town- and street names.
All Toyota models were now fueled with cosmic-rays, except for the Hilux, which was now only built in South Africa, and was still powered by the same 3-litre turbo-diesel engine. Toyota passenger vehicles were only painted in eye-hurting colours like ‘Laser beam red’ and ‘Alien-green’, to prevent people from falling asleep when looking at the cars.
Mazda finally perfected the rotary engine, and even the little Mazda 2 was powered by a 1300cc Wankel engine, now only sipping 1 litre per 100 km. They also made the most beautifully-shaped cars, where the underlying design-trend was based on the shifting sands of Namib-dunes.
The Mini was given a fresh retro-look, as a tribute to the 2008 model. You could spot the differences between the 2034 model and the 2008 one in the detail of the head- and taillights, as well as the new side mirrors and bonnet-scoop. The number of possible variants was estimated at 3.1 billion. The cubby-hole cover and floor-mats were still optional extras …
GM was taken over by Ford, who sold it to Tata as a niche-carmaker. As such, GM only had one model on display, called Gluttonous 5000, which weighed 2.7 tons, and wafted along at a gracious 350km/h. This Rolls-Royce competitor was built as a disposable car, with a limited lifetime of two years. The plan was that you could hand it back to GM after the sell-by date, and they will melt it for you (as it’s completely built from recycled Nano’s). The owner will be compensated with a lifetime’s supply of shopping bags.
In its endeavour to keep production costs at a minimum, VW only offered two models. The model on which its hopes were pinned was a vehicle which could be adapted to be anything from a 1,0-litre supermini, to an 8,0-litre, four-wheel drive SUV. Magnetic-Air suspension was used to adjust the ride-height, while up to 10 cylinders could be switched off (while in supermini-mode) to convert the engine to an effective 1,0-litre, 2-cylinder unit. The body of the vehicle could expand and contract to fit anything from two to eight people! Luckily, the GTi was a stand-alone model, but was now the size of Wales, which forced VW to get some assistance from NASA to keep the 0-100km/h time down to 6.1 seconds.
I was getting nauseous, my eyes were swirling like lotto-balls, and I wanted out. Just before my wife slapped me back into reality, I saw a large crowd gathering around a small stand in the corner of the massive hall. I quickly caught a glimpse of car everyone was buzzing about. It looked like the heavier brother of the Honda Jazz, and I saw a South African flag draped across it. It was called the ‘Joule’, and it was proudly saving the earth …
