Over the past few years we have seen the development of a new trend; the shrinking of the SUV. I can’t say for certain who started this trend, and my guess is as good as yours, but what I can say for certain is that it has really become the, so called, “hip” thing to do.
What I am planning to do today is to choose one that I would buy, if I were to be a 6 foot tall girl with an Adam’s apple. Right away I narrowed the very wide field, ranging from Freelander to kangaroos (my apologies, I meant Koleos), down to the most important four; the BMW X3, the Audi Q5, the VW Tiguan and lastly the Volvo XC60.
I can quite easily start by writing off the Tiguan as a competitor. It may not be the ugliest of the lot, but it’s definitely the dullest – and from a male point of view it’s based on the Toureg, which is not the greatest thing to come out of the VW stable in recent years. However, regardless of sex, it does make up for being soft and insipidly-styled by being cheap; almost a 100 smackers less than the likes of BMW, AUDI and – are you ready for this? – The Volvo. The VW just can’t be a competitor in this race; from a girly point of view it’s dull and you won’t find it in the parking lot – it just blends right in. What’s even worse is when your girl friends ask you what it is, you’ll probably say: “Umm… I think it’s a Tee-ge-a-u-anna.”
No, I’ve made up my mind, the VW is out. If it had something to offer like seats that massage you as you drive or a stunning interior, or even if it came with all the episodes of Sex in the city I might have considered it, but sadly it has none of these things; it’s just a small Toureg with a funny name.
Sadly this is where I bid farewell to the kid from Munich because unless you whip out an extra 50 grand for the sports pack with 18-inch rims and colour-coded-bumpers; you are stuck with something that looks like it was dipped in a tank of oil before it was delivered. Those hideous black bumpers unduly cover the car’s sexy curves like a long black dress over a woman’s beautiful legs. Couple that with an ugly face, stiff suspension and small wheels, and even you’ll begin to wonder why the VW went first…well, I’ll tell you why: because, even though the BMW is sluggish and dubious-looking, it has a blue and white badge on the front that gets all the right o-o-ohs and a-a-ahs. Apart from that it delivers a whopping 500Nm of torque. Not that this matters unduly because as a woman; “torque” is what happens at the hair salon…Even so, it’s bye-bye Bee-em.
The Q5 is the next to go; although it is a beautifully designed car and has a stunning new interior, it still looks weird. I can’t help but notice those huge door mirrors which make the poor Q5 look like a heffalump, I personally would rather go for the Q7; it’s just a better looking car and has a far more imposing presence. With my lady glasses on, however, there are a few subtleties I really like; like the square LED’s in the lights (which, if you look really fast, look almost like tiny Q’s) and the very stylish dash with neat chrome inlays. The more you look at this car the more you find to like about it. I know us men like a good looking car, but we don’t care about silly things like tiny Q’s in the lights or sexy dashboards, we only want to know if it’s as fast as it looks. Women don’t, they notice these niceties and appreciate it. The Audi knows who it’s appealing to and that’s a good thing, because the next car only pips it to the post by a narrow margin.
The Volvo XC60 is the one I’d have, if I were a lady… No, seriously; the Volvo is by far the best one of the lot; it delivers style and comfort in spades. It’s not as cute as the Audi, but it is pretty. It boasts a really funky and designer centre console which will definitely impress all your mates.
I honestly can’t think of a better SUV to zip around town in. It boasts a wealth of Volvo’s renowned safety features, including a system called City Safety, which helps prevent rear-end collisions – well actually it only stops you from going into other people’s rears, not the other way around sadly. Even so, it is a wonderful guardian angel to have… just in case you are distracted.
Sadly, though, I suspect that the Audi will be a greater success: it’s stylish, it’s prettier than the Volvo and most importantly: it has that “Q-uteness” thing which woman adore.“Oh look at those big ears… isn’t it just adorable?” One will say as her husband quietly weeps behind the steering wheel of an A5, slowly realising that his dream of owning one will soon be shattered by a baby elephant in an Audi suit…
