The March issue of CAR went on sale yesterday, and as usual, it contains the annual Top 12 awards, the best cars – according to CAR – in the twelve main segments of the market. This year the voting process was particularly fierce. Unlike other motoring awards programs, the Top 12 is not selected by secret ballot. The CAR team, more than ten of us, sits around a table and debate every single model on the market until we reach agreement on the best. This is not a quick process, to say the very least. It comes with much arguing and much snorting, particularly from Jake Venter, when a French or Italian car is nominated. But it does mean the final product is a carefully considered one. As a result, you should go out and buy the March issue immediately. There are a good few surprises in there.
However, this blog is not about the Top 12. It is about the Bottom 12. When discussing the Top 12, the first round is always used to eliminate those models that don’t stand a snowball’s chance in hell of winning. These are those cars…
Worst Budget Car – Under R110 000
This was an easy one. The Chana Benni is not only the worst car in this segment, but quite possibly the worst car on the market today. When we tested it for our July 2008 issue we were left gasping on chemical odours that gave some testers headaches. But even if it smelt like Monica Bellucci’s armpits the Benni would be in this position – its dynamics are atrocious, a combination of a high ride height, vague steering and poor directional stability resulting in a car that is constantly wandering off the chosen line. Execute an emergency lane-change manoeuvre in this car and you’ll at the very least need new underpants…
Worst Light Car
Undoubtedly, the Proton Satria Neo is one of the best-looking cars in its segment. With a suspension set-up fettled by Lotus, it is also quite a good handler. On paper, it’s engine looks like a powerful unit. And at just over R140 000, it is well priced. But none of this matters because you can’t drive it, simply because if you’re a normal sized human being you won’t fit behind the steering wheel. The seat is too high, and the steering wheel is too low. The result is that your head will be in near constant contact with that swoopy roofline, which is also too low. And while that engine delivers enough kilowatts on paper, they’re all fairly high up the rev range, so you have to floor it, which results in the engine sounding like it wants to climb out from underneath the engine and strangle you. Back to the drawing board, Proton.
Worst Compact Car
Quite a few cars were in the running for this title, most coming from the periphery of the Compact Car segment. There is the Alfa 147, for example, which by now should have been retired, seeing as it was born not long after the start of new millennium, which was ages ago. Also the Chevrolet Optra, which continues to exist for no other apparent reason but to make the newer Cruze look like brilliant value. The Volkswagen Beetle was also in the running, because it’s a fashion item that seemingly is trying to stick around until the fashion cycle turns back into its favour, like multiple collars. And the Mercedes-Benz CLC, for being a bit of a rip-off. But I’m afraid the one to beat them all remains my old friend the Dodge Caliber, specifically in 1,8-litre form. Sure, the vehicle offers a modicum of crossover appeal and practicality, but when equipped with the wheezy, asthmatic 1,8-litre engine and a crunchy five-speed manual ‘box, the Caliber is one of the most joyless cars I’ve ever driven. And it’s all made worse by a cabin trimmed in hard, grey plastic, the entire Tupperwareness of it all only broken by trim inserts painted in the same colour as the exterior of the car – not always a good thing. The upcoming interior improvements are sorely needed. But so is a new entry-level drivetrain.
Worst Compact Executive
With the demise of the Chrysler Sebring, there is no longer an easy loser in this segment. In fact, by process of elimination I ended up with the Hyundai Sonata. This doesn’t give me much joy because the Sonata is hardly abysmal, especially at its current price. However, seeing as it falls into this segment, it needs to be judged by the same criteria as the others. Executive saloons need to stroke the ego of those that drive them – there needs to be an element of desirability. The Sonata lacks this completely, being as bland as a bowl of rice. It is also only offered with only one engine option, and it’s unfortunately not a very good one. The 2,4-litre mill is raucous and not nearly the charismatic engine a car competing for the hearts of Mister C-Class should have. Hyundai knows all of this, and the next Sonata looks like a far better prospect.
Worst Executive Saloon
This is another segment in which the standards are exceedingly high. You try to pick a “loser” out of this lot – Jaguar XF, Mercedes-Benz E-Class, BMW 5 Series, Cadillac CTS, Chrysler 300C, Lexus GS, Audi A6 and Volvo S80. There isn’t a bad car here. But it has to be said that the Volvo S80, unfortunately, is somewhat less good than the others, offering wallowy handling (but a plush ride) and non-descript looks in a segment filled with cars that mostly manage to corner as well as they cosset, while also offering head-turning looks. The S80 is a good car, but as its sales suggest, it’s not quite what the market desires…
Worst Grand Saloon
When you enter the grand saloon segment you better have your ducks in a row, because if you don’t, you’ll stand out like Hulk Hogan at a dinner for German captains of industry. Unfortunately, that is exactly what Cadillac has managed with its STS, a large luxury car that still, unfortunately, subscribes to the old yank-tank school of design. Inside, this means lots of what appears to be fake chrome and fake wood. Of course, it is far more affordable than its illustrious rivals, but it’s cheap for a reason. More importantly, the even cheaper Cadillac CTS is better in every respect, which promises good things for the next generation of large luxurious Caddies. For now, however, the blingy and crass STS ranks up there with Billie Ray Cyrus on the sophistication chart.
Worst Hot Hatch
By definition a hot hatch should be fast, handle well and look like it wants to beat up BMW M3s. The term “bang for the buck”, is also of major importance. The Toyota Yaris TS, while not being a bad handling little machine, delivers way too little bang, for way too much buck. And it looks like a normal Yaris, which means that for over R220 000, you get zero street cred.
Worst Performance Car
This is quite a tricky one. Can I give the award to the Alfa Romeo Brera? I think so, simply because as a result of being so atrociously overweight, it doesn’t have any performance at all… However, during Top 12 voting this year we put the emphasis on supercars in this category. I feel I should do the same here. And therefore the award goes to Ferrari for all their cars, the 599 GTB, the 612 Scaglietti and California. Because I have not yet been allowed to drive them.
Worst MPV/SW
One of the very few crossovers to come to South Africa is also the recipient of this award. The Mercedes-Benz R-Class is as confusing as it is confused itself. Built on top of the underpinnings of the M-Class, and therefore featuring four-wheel drive, but without off-road ability, the R-Class is aimed at wealthy folk with many children who need to get to their holiday destination fast. It’s certainly luxurious and comfortable, the R-Class, but it’s no better at being an MPV than some vehicles costing R200 000 less, nor is it as good an SUV as the vehicles at its own price level. Why not buy a SsangYong Stavic at half the price if you really crave an odd-looking MPV with seven seats, or even better still, the very underrated Dodge Journey, which also offers seven-seat ability and crossover appeal? You’ll have enough money left over for something fast and fun.
Worst Compact SUV
The standard in this category is very high, and it has to be, because these vehicles are so popular. So which are the worst? Well, I can’t say there are any particularly rotten tomatoes here, but in a segment where average is about as bad as it gets, the Jeep Cherokee springs to mind. However, because it is quite capable off-road, I’ll forgive it its bum-numbing levels of interior discomfort and rather bestow the award on the SsangYong Actyon. Seemingly styled by the collaborative efforts of Homer Simpson, the Cookie Monster and the ghost of Walt Disney, it is very easy to poke fun at the Actyon. Admittedly it does have some merit – it is well-priced and has a quiet cabin. Dynamically, however, it is utterly witless. The ride quality deteriorates rapidly on poor surfaces, mostly as a result of a suspension that feels oddly rubbery. The steering is vague and lacks precision, and to make matters worse, the Actyon is very sensitive to cross winds. The combination of detached, woolly steering and the easily confused suspension make the Actyon fairly tiring to drive.
Worst SUV
A few years ago there were still a handful of big SUVs that would easily be candidates for this title, but most of those dinosaurs have gone. These days big SUVs are far more adept at combining on-road dynamics with off-road ability. Thankfully, the existence of the Cadillac SRX means I do not have to delve into the Indian/Chinese product line-ups for an easy candidate for this title… I’ll overlook its chintzy interior – it is, after all, from a previous generation of luxury American vehicles. But its dynamics! Wow. At the time of testing it I remember writing that it has the dynamic finesse of a Big Mac rolling down a hill, but with extra cheese…
Mercifully, the SRX disappears from local price lists as soon as the last examples are sold. That, unfortunately, could take a while.
Worst Double-Cab/Pick-Up
I can once again here do the easy thing and name any of a number of Chinese vehicles. There is Gonow, for example, which right at this point appears to have done exactly that, gone away – no answers to telephone calls, website is down… However, out of experience I can say the most uncomfortable, unrefined, noisy double-cab I’ve ever driven was a Mahindra Scorpio. I can hardly believe it when people tell me the Bolero is even rougher. Sure, the Scorpio appears to be rugged and tough, but as a double-cab it won’t only be transporting pot plants and bricks, but also the occasional human being, and these creatures have spines and ears. I know, because before I drove a Mahindra Scorpio, I also had those things.
These then, are my entirely subjective Rotten Tomatoes for 2010.
